Amid all of the headlines and rhetoric surrounding women’s health issues lately, I had a moment of epiphany. Since 100% of pregnancies begin with a man, I propose that women make a Purity Pledge to withhold all recreational Copulation from men to protect their Chastity and preserve Life-giving Seed for the purpose for which God created it. This must also include married individuals since Men of Means declare sex to be a Sacred Union solely intended to create Life. Any Life that is subsequently produced should not be assisted in any way by the Taxpayer, lest that Life grow up to be an indolent, entitled Life that winds up in prison due to its plush subsistence gained from the teats of Welfare funded by Society. Also, said Life shall be fed Pink Slime in its educational facilities after Wholesome Prayer and Pledges to the State to whom their Life is ow(n)ed.

I hope you support my Purity Pledge to prevent single mothers and wasted seed. My Pledge seeks to extend the logic of our leaders who inform us of the evils of sex for pleasure.

1. Contraception leads to promiscuity and unnatural acts. “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country…. Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”-Rick Santorum

2. Contraception should not be covered by insurance for which an individual pays (see above). An Arizona bill recently passed in the State House allowing any employer to omit contraceptive coverage, require the woman to submit documentation of a medical need for contraception, and to fire any woman found to be using contraception for prevention of pregnancy. Similar bills are being proposed in other states.

3. Planned Parenthood is an abomination, should be defunded and, indeed, dismantled. It follows that contraception cannot be provided by PP to the low-income women that it serves. “Of course you get rid of Obamacare, that’s the easy one. Planned Parenthood, we’re going to get rid of that.” Mitt Romney

4. Abortion. Bad. No excuses, no exceptions. But, as long as Roe V Wade remains in force, women should submit to a probe inserted into her body and be told that an abortion can cause cancer. In cases of rape and incest, Santorum offers guidance: “I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.” Our leaders also propose that doctors withhold information about a pregnancy that may lead to the decision to abort, and shield them from malpractice suits should the woman die from that lack of information. Because we are pro-life.

5. Welfare, WIC, Medicaid. Bad. Socialism. No-brainer. We could solve this by making women who engage in behaviors that may lead to unintended pregnancy to record and make available their encounters on the internet. Subscriptions to the site could fund the care of their bastards. This is an excellent private enterprise that could actually end welfare as we know it. Also, perhaps we could house these women in a facility where they may be segregated from pure women, yet accessible to men who wish to utilize their male enhancement drugs that have been covered by their insurance. Their faces will be blurred to protect their privacy on the internet feed.

The logic is inescapable. A woman should not take contraception at all. If she does, she should pay for it even if she has insurance that pays for other medications, because pregnancy is not a disease. Women should not have babies if they can’t afford one. A woman who has sex other than for purposes of procreation is, by definition, a harlot, whore, slut, prostitute. We have heard it said over and over again, “If you can’t afford a child, stop having sex!” For the overall morality of society, women MUST close their legs. Problem solved.

10 thoughts on “Purity Pledge to Prevent Recreational Copulation

  1. Beware of Poe’s Law my friend.

    “Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.”

  2. Sorry to have not seen this sooner. Anonymous is clearly wanting their cake and to eat it as well. Can’t have swimmers with out the possibility of unwanted life (pregnancy) as the end result, except for those of us long past our prime. I have had it on good authority, those of us past our expiry date, are also not all that often sought out as recreational partners, so guess it is pointless for us to join the game (or is it?).

  3. I wrote in a post that what if it was mandated that if the woman doesn’t want to have an abortion, that the man have a vasecomy. I bet you on of the men on a panel for womens issues even thought about that.

    1. Yeah, that would never stand, would it? A man’s junk is his own. Not so for a woman’s uterus. Our options seem pretty limited when sexuality is legislated. No contraceptives, no abortions, no access to healthcare. Ladies gotta say no to sex if they want to comply with patriarchal rules of morality. Put an aspirin between your knees, ladies!!

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